The Blog That Speaks: More Than a Feeling
- An older man goes to ER, believing he is having a heart attack—it’s a panic attack.
- A woman is thinking about seeing her doctor concerning various physical ailments which had recently appeared.
- An extreme introvert suddenly wants to be with people.
- A woman puts her keys in the refrigerator.
- A person complains about her inability to sleep through the night.
- A woman has an increase in migraines.
What do each of these experiences have in common?
Each is a grief reaction to a loss, and in each case, a death of a person.
These reactions are in contrast to cultural assumptions today that believe: only our emotions experience the impact of grief. Many of us assume that our response to a death or a nondeath loss involves merely feelings, like sadness, shock, anger, denial, depression, etc. We relate grief (which is a reaction to any loss, including abuse, death, or trauma) to only an emotional response. But, grief . . . is more than a feeling.
Reactions to our losses may be divided into different realms: physical, cognitive, emotional, spiritual, and social. Each realm is touched by grief, whether we are aware of it or not. Therefore, while grief is expressed emotionally, it is also conveyed corporeally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally. That is, grief is not simply one-dimensional but multidimensional.
The following are examples as to how each realm may be impacted when there is a loss, be it through the death of a person, abuse, trauma, etc:
Physical Realm:
- Interruption in sleep patterns—some individuals have hypersomnia while others struggle with insomnia. Many speak of an inability to fall asleep while others awaken at 2:00 or 3:00 AM, unable to go back to sleep. Struggling with insomnia is common since sleep involves a loss of control, and the person in grief has experienced a loss, which is a reminder that “I am not all powerful.”
- Increased intensity of current ailments—if a person has been diagnosed with migraines, they may become more frequent or more intense. If someone has arthritis, Crone’s disease, gout, etc., they may experience an increase in pain or flare ups.
- Experiencing more physical illnesses—some individuals see an uptick in their frequency in contracting various sicknesses, such as colds, flus, or other viruses.
- Appetite—some people lose an interest in food while others experience an insatiable appetite or crave less beneficial foods, such as those with lots of sugar.
- Feeling more fatigue or exhaustion
Cognitive Realm:
- Preoccupation with the abuse, trauma, or death
- Forgetfulness—an increase in short-term memory loss
- Lack of concentration
- Increased difficulties in making decisions
Emotional Realm:
- Sudden outbursts of anger or experiencing more impatience and agitation
- Bursts of tears, which are seemingly unexpected. These are called griefbursts.
- A sense of being out of control
- Feelings of guilt or relief
- Experiencing anxiety, fear, or being overwhelmed
Spiritual Realm:
- Why questions
- Feeling anger at God
- Seeking answers to, “Who am I?”
- Asking, “What is the meaning of life?”
- Challenging one’s long-held religious beliefs/practices
Social Realm:
- Withdrawing from relationships
- Seeking out relationships
- Filling up one’s social calendar
- Increased difficulties in relationships
(Please see a more detailed list of reactions to grief that is included at the end of this blog).
The examples above of how grief may be expressed in each of the five realms reminds me of an analogy I recently heard concerning grief. The person compared grief to an octopus. If an octopus is placed in a box with a few small holes, the octopus has the capacity to escape. Similarly, if we place grief in a box, it will come out. It will show up in our lives via the five realms. We cannot isolate grief to one area of our being, like the emotional, neither can we ignore it all together. Grief may surface through an increase in our aches and pains or as an interruption in our sleep patterns. We may have brain fog, an inability to comprehend or remember things. We may be easily angered or exceedingly sensitive. We may struggle with questions about our identity or our purpose in life. In short, grief impacts our whole being.
Thanks for the image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
The importance of addressing the entire human being also came to light through the work of Cicely Saunders, the founder of the modern hospice movement. A goal of hospice is to eliminate physical pain so that a person may die peacefully. Saunders developed a concept called “total pain” in which uncontrolled physical pain is often associated with pain from unresolved issues in any of the other four realms. Saunders learned that while she could strive to address the physical with pain meds, it was being present and listening to dying patients that was beneficial in ameliorating uncontrolled physical pain. As such, she learned to attend to emotional, relational, mental or spiritual issues, which helped to alleviate or eliminate physical pain in the dying person. This may involve having a family meeting to talk openly about concerns or relational issues. It may include creating messages for other family members to hear when they are older. A chaplain may be necessary to help to assist the dying with spiritual concerns. Saunders came to the understanding that when the staff cared for the whole person, uncontrolled physical pain lessened or was completely removed.
As a follower of Jesus, I have noticed that many believers center more on the spiritual realm—one dimension—when it comes to grief.
Would-be companions may say phrases such as, “Let go and let God” or “They are in a better place” or quote Scripture, treating it is a cure-all for what ails a person in grief. Such would-be companions are failing to acknowledge the multidimensional impact that grief has on a human being.
Even the Gospel writer Luke recognizes the multidimensional realms of a person. When telling his version of the story of Jesus to Theophilos, the Gospel of Luke does not simply emphasize one dimension. One may presuppose that Luke, being a physician, only stresses the curing of diseases that afflict the physical body. After all, Luke-Acts highlights both Jesus and the apostles curing people’s diseases, restoring them to physical health. But Doctor Luke does not solely focus on the corporeal being, but rather he plainly underscores humanity’s multidimensionality. Such attention appears in the birth narratives of John and Jesus. According to Luke, the son of Zechariah and Elizabeth is described as “growing and becoming strong in spirit” (1:80). David Garland believes that Luke uses the word “spirit” (pneuma) to indicate the origin and center of human volition, emotions, and understanding.[1] Luke then connects the two birth narratives of John and Jesus by forming a parallel between the summary statement of John’s growth with the description of Jesus’s growth (2:40, 52).[2] Jesus, too, grows although he is both fully human and fully divine. The human-divine one becomes stronger, flourishes in wisdom, and develops favor with God and other human beings. As such, Jesus teaches humanity through his whole being what it is to be a human who is fully alive to God. Luke’s summary statements of growth imply being human is more than caring for only the physical or merely the spiritual. Instead, we are to tend to each of our five realms as a way to worship God with our whole being.
Luke also indicates that Jesus was not simply a curer of diseases, a one-dimensional healer. He was a multidimensional healer. For example, consider Luke 5:12-14:
While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came to him who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he bowed down with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean” So he stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, “I am willing. Be clean!” And immediately the leprosy left him. Then he ordered the man to tell no one, but commanded him, “Go and show yourself to a priest, and bring the offering for your cleansing, as Moses commanded, as a testimony to them.”
Leviticus 13:45-46 informs us that those with leprosy (be it Hansen’s disease or other skin conditions) were isolated from society, living outside of the community. They were banished from friends and family, forced to live beyond the city’s walls. Moreover, to complete their humiliation, they had to announce wherever they walked, “Unclean! Unclean!” Such a cry guaranteed that they would be shunned as others maintained their distance lest they too become unclean. According to Diane Chen, “The leprous condition was thought to be a smiting from God for serious sin.”[3] Hence, a skin disease not only had physical and relational implications but spiritual ones as well.
In Luke’s story, this man ignored the said communal boundaries of the day and went into town. He sought out Jesus and bowed, begging Jesus to make him clean. Notice how the man does not say, “Cure me of my skin disease” but asks to be made clean. This is a request that recognizes the link “between leprosy and impurity.”[4] Jesus, too, crosses established boundaries in that he touches the leper. But rather than becoming unclean, the reverse occurs: the leper is made clean. As Chen underscores, Jesus’s touch signifies a restoring of the man to community. Jesus’s touch conveys that those deemed untouchable have dignity in God’s eyes.[5]
In curing the man of his leprosy, Jesus shows himself to be a multidimensional healer. The man is physically cured. He is restored to society. And he is healed spiritually as he may now worship in the temple.
Jesus ministering to the whole person invites us to tend to forms of self-care that address all five realms, particularly when we are in grief.
- Physically, it is important to exercise, even if we may struggle with motivation amidst our grief.
- Cognitively, we may practice mindfulness by stopping to recognize our need in the moment.
- Emotionally, it is helpful to pause two or three times a day and ask ourselves, “What am I feeling right now?” By naming the feeling, we are empathically ministering to ourselves.
- Spiritually, we may want to practice a form of silent mediation or journal our prayers.
- Socially, it is important to find individuals who will participate in Christ’s healing ministry to us by allowing us to tell and retell the stories of our grief and LISTEN empathically without attempting to advise us.
Years ago, I heard a denominational leader, who was addressing emotional struggles when ministering overseas, say, “Sometimes one of the most spiritual things you can do is take nap.” Her words serve as a reminder that we are not one-dimensional beings but multidimensional. When we are hurting, our whole being hurts.
Not just the physical.
Not merely the emotional.
And not only the spiritual.
But the entirety of our being. If we are to fully heal, each realm—physical, emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual—requires our tender attention.
After all, even Jesus took naps.
[1] David Garland, Luke: Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2011), 109.
[2] This is also supported by Joel Green in The Gospel of Luke (Grand Rapids: Wm B Eerdmans, 1997), 120.
[3] Diane G. Chen, Luke: A New Covenant Commentary (Eugene: Cascade, 2017), 82, Kindle edition.
[4] Ibid.
[5] Ibid.
5 Common Areas in Reacting to Loss
Read through these reactions and place a check mark next to those you have experienced or are currently experiencing while in grief, be it from abuse, trauma, a death of a person or a non-death loss.
Physical Reactions:
——Sleep disturbance
——Appetite disturbance/change in weight
——Indigestion
——Headaches
——Hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity to sights, sounds, smell touch
——Dry mouth
——Tightness in chest
——Hollowness in the stomach
——Lump in throat
——Excessive sweating
——Immune system—greater susceptibility to illness
——Fatigue
——Shortness of breath
——Dizziness
——Body aches/nausea
Cognitive Reactions:
——Short term memory loss
——Difficulty concentrating, increased errors and accidents
——Confusion, aimlessness
——Preoccupation with the loss, rumination
——Routine takes effort, decreased self-esteem, passivity
——Difficulty making decisions
Emotional Reactions:
——A wide range of feelings that may include: numbness, anger, sadness. depression, anxiety, despair, loneliness, yearning, vulnerability, etc.
——A sense that any expression of emotion may be “out of control”
——Wide mood swings that may be moment to moment initially
——Short fuse
——Guilt including survivor guilt
——Relief may be present
——Sensing loved one’s presence
——Loss of interest in usual things
——Strained relationships
Spiritual Reactions:
——Why questions
——Anger at God
——A change in beliefs and values
——Change in identity
——Loss or strengthening of faith
——A need to find meaning in the loss
Social Reactions:
——Want to be with people
——Want to be alone
——Avoiding social events
——Filling up my calendar
——Feeling awkward with others
——Feeling detached from others
——Loneliness
——Increased difficulties in relationships
——Avoiding people, places, and activities that remind me of my loved one
——Tell anyone about my loss (e.g., check out person, airplane passenger, etc)
——Lack of confidence in relationships
